As an Asian American, I imagined America as an ideal country where different cultures, arts, and languages would be welcomed. My hopes for this wonderful place were swiftly put to rest as I faced racism for the first time in my life.
My parents are Chinese immigrants who came here to take advantage of the numerous new opportunities. I was born and, for most of my childhood, raised in America, so I was constantly exposed to American culture, but my parents still wanted me to learn about their culture and customs. Speaking Chinese was mandatory in my day-to-day life because I had to speak to my parents in their native language. But it wasn’t until I entered high school that I learned about the harsh realities of my language.
During my high school years, I walked down the hall with a classmate who had recently arrived to America, speaking Chinese. Whenever conflicts broke out, I would hear people murmur “ching-chong willy wong” to their peers or even yell “leave, you chinks.” The one that stood out to me was when other students confronted me about speaking my native language in the halls. “You’re in America so speak English.” There are many words in other languages that sound like English words, and Chinese is no exception. The words “nèigé” and “nàgè” are readily used in everyday conversation for Chinese speakers. It means “the one” and “that”; we use them a lot as filler words when we can’t think, like “umm” for instance. When speaking Chinese around English speakers, words can often be misinterpreted, especially the word “nèigé”.
I was leaving my Chinese class one day when I said, “Ni kàn nèigé.” When an African American student mistook it as the n-word, but it meant “look at that.” He started to lash out at me, saying how I couldn’t say n-word because I’m not black and that I should “go back to my country.” I understood what he was suggesting, but I was confused about how my speaking mother tongue was offending him. I told him that I was speaking Chinese and that “neigè” is not the n-word. Unfortunately, the conflict got worst when a dean was brought over; I didn’t understand why he needed to be involved. Because the dean understood my argument, I was let go with no consequences. Despite the fact that I did not get in any trouble, I felt frustrated, as if I couldn’t express my own culture and identity. This phrase has been said countless times in the Chinese community, yet those who believe they are promoting racial equality are gravely mistaken. It’s strange that America is known for its freedom of expression and speech, but some people don’t live up to the values upon which this country was founded. I was born and raised in a country with freedom of speech, yet I could not express myself in my own native language.
My language is my culture, background, and identity. I should feel free to express myself and not have it defined as something offensive. I understand what the misunderstandings are, but it is also my self-identity. In the Chinese community, we all understand that speaking our language could be problematic. I hear many stories from friends, family, and the media about this issue, and I find it embarrassing to even be Chinese. I even have a few friends who are afraid to speak Chinese in front of others. America is a place where people are free to be themselves, however, it saddens me to know that there will be people judging me for who I am and my history. People need to be more educated about other cultures and languages and acknowledge the differences between them. It is hard for people to accept the unknown, which is why education in these fields is necessary and important. We are too quick to judge others these days, and it can be really beneficial to take a step back before wrongly accusing someone. The recent attacks on Asian communities in America because of COVID-19 further feed into the hateful and vengeful state this nation is currently in. I hope that one day we will be able to set aside our differences and grow in this world together.
